


i need a break from the break room

by SwAgAmAnDeR



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, M/M, Zoo, bamf!dan, they like each other eventually don't worry, uptight!phil, zookeepers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 14:43:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4395863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwAgAmAnDeR/pseuds/SwAgAmAnDeR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester, head feline zookeeper and obnoxiously hard-worker, gets paired with Dan Howell, notorious slacker and living nightmare, for a work assignment.<br/>They immediately hate each other.<br/>Until suddenly they don't, and everyone's kinda confused.<br/>The gossip-crazy interns that seem to lurk around every corner certainly don't help the situation, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so I spent a week at a zoo camp and this happened

Lions, tigers, ocelots, snow leopards, break.

Lions, tigers, ocelots, snow leopards, break.

That was Phil's day.

Check the lions, check the tigers, check the ocelots, check the snow leopards, answer any questions that visitors inquired along the way, try to hide his annoyance as he repeatedly asked the visitors to restrain their children from climbing the fences and decor, and then take a break. "Break" usually meant hiding in his office for ten minutes with lukewarm coffee while trying to simultaneously fill out paperwork and direct the frantic interns,but it made Phil feel better to call it a "break".

And then after that, he was off to go check on the lions again.

He worked hard, that was for sure. Constantly moving, every second of his day was scheduled precisely so that he would waste the least amount of time possible. He had the zoo map memorized as well as he knew his own face, and he knew where each and every holding pen was in relation to each other. Even if he had no reason to go there, he knew the quickest route. Phil figured that this was probably one of the reasons why he had been promoted to the head feline zookeeper six months ago.

Phil was debatably one of the hardest workers that the London Zoo had ever seen. He had a whopping total of eight late days in his five years of working at the zoo, and he had only missed fifteen (all of which were due to sickness).

Phil was always on time, always ahead of everyone else.

But on corporate day, of all days, he was not.

It wasn't his fault, really. While he was on his rounds to the snow leopard exhibit, a little girl with two pink ribbons that tied her mousy brown hair into two messy pigtails approached him. She was crying, and he could feel his heart begin to melt the instant that she opened her mouth.

"E-excuse me, sir," she wiped her runny nose onto her hand, which she then wiped onto her wrinkled bubblegum dress, "I can't find my d-daddy,"

"Oh, is that so?" Phil looked down at the girl, knowing very well that he didn't have time for this, but the way her caramel brown eyes looked up at him, he couldn't resist. He crouched down to her height as she nodded in response, "My name's Phil. What's yours?"

"Emily," She looked down shyly.

"Well, Emily, don't you worry! I'll have you back to your dad in no time!" Phil stood up, making his voice sound reassuring and enthusiastic along the way, "Now...where was the last place you saw him?"

* * *

 

Transporting Emily halfway across the London Zoo turned out to be a complete nightmare for Phil. She quit her lost, broken puppy act as soon as he agreed to help her.

Phil had decided that the best course of action would be to take the young girl to the gift shop (which was, of course, on the complete other side of the zoo), and then have the cashier page her father via the intercoms that were strewn throughout the property.

In order to do this, however, Phil would have to actually _get_ her to the gift shop. This was proving to be more difficult than he initially thought.

"Otters!" Emily would exclaim as she dashed off, yet again, away from Phil.

Every five minutes, every new exhibit they passed, Emily would run off to go look at it.

"Emily, dear," Phil was trying his best to hide his growing annoyance. The customers always came first, however, "We have to get you to your dad, remember?"

"But my daddy's _afraid_ of the otters!" She would plead with him, looking up at Phil desperately.

He was never strong enough to stand up against her tear-filled puppy dog eyes, so at every interest that peaked her interest, she would paise herself against the glass or fence, giggling in glee at the animals before her while Phil stood awkwardly behind her, tapping his foot impatiently, repeatedly glancing at his watch.

An eternity later, they finally arrived at the gift shop. He was definitely running late at this point. However, he didn't quite trust the sweat sleep-deprived teenagers behind the counter to look over her and her energy, so there he stood for fifteen minutes before Emily's apparent father walked in and Phil rushed out.

* * *

 

Phil all but sprinted to the keepers' building on the far side of the zoo (running is prohibited at zoo, so he just speed walked with extra vitesse), and by the time he got there he was out of breath and his face hurt from smiling so widely.

"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Lester," his boss deadpanned as Phil entered the tiny meeting room at the back of the building.

Phil's boss was a tired man, rumored by Phil's coworkers to be kept alive solely by caffeine and coffee enemas, and if you took either of those away from him, well, it wouldn't be pretty. At one point he might have been a friendly, amorous man who loved his job, the animals, and the visitors, but now he was just a plump balding man who spent most of his time complaining about the quality of his interns' work. It wasn't that he was outright mean or anything, but he just had a severe lack of empathy for anything that didn't concern Nation Geographic Magazine. Phil's coworkers also rumored that the reason Mr. Williams was so tired all the time was that he spent 99% of his time either writing to or waiting for a reply from the company.

There were two other vaguely familiar faces at the table, both staring at him with watchful eyes.

One was the face of who Phil assumed to be the president of the zoo council. Her picture was hung throughout a majority of the zoo, be it break rooms, holding pens, offices, or even the staff bathroom. She was a stark contrast to his boss, bright and blonde and bubbly with bubblegum pink lipstick and blush to match.

The last face in the room was not a new one - Phil was fairly sure he had seen him around the zoo a few times before. Floppy brown hair that was swept to the side in a style that was similar to his own, chocolate brown eyes that somehow glistened even in the harsh, fluorescent lights, and muted, sunkissed skin that matched just perfectly with the rest of his appearance. He wore a black polo shirt with the zoo's logo on the breast (Phil was unaware that their uniforms could even come in black - all he'd ever seen were blue or red ones). The corners of his lips were pulled into a carefree smirk, and he raised an eyebrow at Phil, almost judging him from afar, without saying a word. A wave of uneasiness and self-consciousness washed over Phil.

"Hello, Mr. Lester!" He was snapped out of his paranoia by the blonde woman at the head of the table opening her mouth, "My name is Kelsey Breedlove, president of the Zoological Society of London. It's a pleasure to meet you! Please take a seat," the woman gestured to an empty chair across from the cocky man in the black shirt. Phil could feel his eyes plastered to him as he traveled the two foot expanse from the door to the chair.

Phil cleared his throat as he pulled out the squeaky chair, the silence too awkward for his liking, "It's a pleasure to meet you, too, Ms. Bre-"

"Oh, please, call me Kelsey. I'm not one for formalities," Kelsey chuckled brightly, acting far too happy despite the fact that Phil was fifteen minutes late.

"Oh, er," Phil corrected himself, "It's a pleasure to meet you, too, Kelsey,"

"Anytime, my dear," her relentlessly bubbly attitude overwhelmed Phil, honestly, "Now, as I've been explaining to these lovely gentlemen," she cocked her head and sent a playful wink in their direction, earning an obviously forced smile from Mr. Williams, "From what I've seen on this visit, I am pleasantly in _love_ with the London Zoo. The atmosphere is tranquil, yet energizing. The guests are intrigued, yet still satisfied. The animals here are among some of the most lively ones that I've ever seen,"

Phil nodded at her proudly. The other men in the room seemed quite pleased as well.

"The London Zoo should be a role model for its less successful siblings, and I will make sure that its treated as such," she paused momentarily, "However, there _is_ one factor found among most successful zoos that I feel is absent here:" she met each of the watchful eyes in the room before continuing, "Cooperation,and collaboration. Now, I'm not saying that the London Zoo's employee-to-employee interaction is subpar, because in fact it's pretty great. What I'm trying to say is that this zoo is missing out on much of the _amazing_ potential that comes with collaboration among the top zookeepers," Kelsey folded her hands on the table and contorted her already huge grin into an even larger one, "Which is what brings us here today,"

Phil felt his chest hum in anxiety as he looked over and locked eyes with the man across from him. His smirk was gone, replaced with a straight-lipped look of confusion and anticipation.

"Dan and Phil," she giggled softly, oblivious to either of the men's hesitance, "Or, Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester, if you'd rather,"

Phil's stomach flipped.

Dan Howell. He'd heard that name _plenty_. A living nightmare for coworkers, interns, and higher-ups alike, his infamous antics were told again and again in the break room as if nothing else exciting ever happened at the zoo. From the time he "accidentally" locked an annoying intern in his exhibit with hungry llamas, to supposedly bribing Mr. Williams to let him off easy when he came to work hungover once (or a few times), Dan Howell's name at the London Zoo was synonymous with trouble. Rumor had it that he was only still around weirdly charming charisma with the guests and his remarkable connection with the animals. Once Phil started to rack up promotions like points in a video game, he decided to steer clear of the guy.

Phil was organised, precise, and courteous.

Dan, as far as Phil was concerned, was not.

"I'd like you two to collaborate together to possibly combine your exhibits and make a bigger, better zoo," Kelsey clapped her hands together in excitement, "I hope you two are fond of each other, because you're going to be spending a lot of time together," she laughed as if this was a trivial matter.

Phil turned his head away from the woman, catching the eyes of the reckless man across from him, cold dread pooling in his gut.

And for possibly the first time ever, they both knew that they were thinking the exact same thing.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll hopefully be updating this on tuesdays and thursdays, on or before 5pm chicago time, starting tomorrow with chapter 3!

"Are you _kidding_ me, Steve?" Dan looked his boss dead in the eyes as he questioned his judgement.

"It's not my decision, Dan," Mr Williams shrugged, clearly disinterested as he looked down into the National Geographic magazine he had been reading when Mr. Howell had burst into his office, "Ring it up with Ms. Breedlove if you have that much of a problem with it,"

Dan rolled his eyes, "Oh yeah, I'll just 'ring it up with Ms. Breedlove' real quick. I don't mind losing my job in the process. Do you happen to have her number? I'm _sure_ she's not busy or anything," His voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Like I said, Dan, this wasn't my decision. Ms. Breedlove asked me for the two best zookeepers that I employed, so I gave her Mr. Lester's name, and then yours, so-"

"In that order?" Dan interrupted.

Mr. Williams shook his head and sighed, "Does it matter?"

"Yeah," Dan blinked. His boss sighed in aggravation,

"Yes, Dan. In that order. I'm sure you can guess why," Dan glared at him, "What do you have against the guy, anyways?"

Dan shrugged, "I don't know, he just seems so..." he hesitated, trying to find the right word, " _boring_ ,"

Mr. Williams stared at him, "Boring,"

Dan nodded and gave another half-shrug. "You're in here, wasting my time, acting so upset because... Mr. Lester seems _boring_ to you?" He lifted his magazine to his face and filled his voice with apathy, "I'm sorry, Mr. Howell, but last time I checked, this was a _work assignment_ , not some holiday. Have a nice day,"

Dan sighed, "Is it wrong that I want to have fun in my life?"

Mr. Williams ignored his statement, "Good _bye_ , Dan,"

Dan finally gave up, groaning and stepping out of the office.

These were going to be a long couple of weeks.

* * *

 

The issue was not brought up again until later that day, a half an hour before the zoo's closing, while he was giving the llamas their last meal of the day.

"There's a new rumor going around the break room," A familiar voice suddenly purred from behind him.

Dan jumped from his position at the llamas' feeding trough, sprinkling hay all over himself and the ground in his surprise.

"Jesus Christ, Louise, don't scare me like that," Dan tried to brush the hay off of his black polo, but had little success.

She laughed loudly and continued, "Rumor has it that the big, bad wold got paired up with Little Red Riding Hood for a work assignment," she leaned against the trough casually.

"That's odd, I didn't think Steve would put little girls into the Red Wolf exhibit, even for a work assignment," He dumped the last bag of hay into the trough, crumpling it in his hand as he began to walk back to the holding pen.

"Oh, you know what I mean," Louise followed him patiently, her smile never leaving her face. She was used to his sarcastic remarks by now, "So is it true? Or are the interns just making up stories again?"

Dan sighed softly as he picked up a bucket and filled it with water, "Yeah, it's true. Honestly, I'm not too thrilled about it. He just seems really..." He was running out of negative terms to call the man he'd never really met, " _tame_ ,"

"Tame?" Louise let out a harsh laugh, "Would you rather him be wild, like your animals?"

"Maybe," Dan smiled playfully as he lifted the now-full bucket up and out to the troughs, "At least he'd be a bit more interesting, then,"

"Hey, he's not too bad," Louise scolded him, but there was still a smile on her face, "Have you ever even had a conversation with him?"

"Well, no," Dan let out a grunt as he dumped the bucket into the water trough, "But I've walked by his office once. Awards and promotions and certificates and shit plastering the walls, which isn't a problem per say, but he had _no_ decorations _anywhere_ in his office. _None_ ," He turned to face her, "Louise, how can I work with a guy who doesn't have the type of personality to fill every corner of his office with random crap?"

Louise shrugged, "Hey, you've never been to his house-"

"And you have?"

"Yes, actually, I have. He threw a Christmas party last year-"

"He throws parties?"

"Yes, Dan, my god. He's a man in his 20's, not a hermit. But trust me, he has plenty of cool stuff in his flat. Some people choose to separate their work life and their personal life - unlike you, I guess," She glanced down to his black polo, which had a tiny Eren Jaegar head pinned to it.

Dan shrugged.

"But anyways, when do you start seeing the guy?"

He rolled his eyes, ignoring the innuendo and her wink, "Tomorrow at about 11,"

She laughed, "Good luck. I know how _great_ you are at socializing. But seriously though, give him a chance, alright?"

"Alright,"

She straightened her back and flattened her polo, "This has been a lovely chat, Dan, but I've got to go tuck my babies into bed now,"

"I'm pretty sure the eagles wouldn't appreciate you calling them 'babies', Louise,"

"Yeah, well I appreciate it,"

Dan laughed as she trodded off.

* * *

 

Dan was already having a bad day when 11 o'clock rolled around the following morning.

Some teenagers had snuck in overnight to graffiti the otter exhibit, causing him to groan in frustration when he walked past it at eight in the morning. He spent a majority of his morning trying desperately to scrub the giant, black penis off of the glass barrier, to no avail. He eventually gave up and resigned the task to a handful of interns.

They were receiving a young reindeer from a nearby zoo, so he spent an hour and a half trying to make the London Zoo seem as pleasant as possible in the 'resume'. Paperwork was by far the worst part of his job.

At 9:30, a sweaty intern with an acne problem poked her head into his office and notified him that one of his llamas was going into labor. He sighed and gathered up his things before rushing to the holding pen and phoning the nearest vet.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy having the opportunity to care for the animals on this intimate of a level - it was just that animal birth was a long, tedious, and kind of gross process.

At 10:55, he plopped back down into his office's chair, thoroughly exhausted. He thanked the universe that it was finally his lunch break.

Wait...

Lunch break.

His eyes shot open.

He had five minutes until he was supposed to meet Phil Lester at a Starbucks that was ten minutes away, assuming there was no traffic.

Dan cursed before running out of his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this what people call a filler chapter, eh?  
> Forgive me, I literally have not wrote a chaptered fic since 2012,and that was when I was still writing One Direction fanfiction.  
> *shivers* we don't talk about my one direction fanfiction...  
> But anyways, if you're sitting her all like "blahhhh, i am outraged at the lack phan interaction in this PHANfiction!!!!!!!" don't worry. Its coming, honey. I just wanted a chapter to explain how Dan's feeling about this whole predicament.  
> Feedback and comments are greatly appreciated <3 love you all

**Author's Note:**

> please note that i live in rural illinois, usa, and i have no idea what the London Zoo is actually like!!
> 
> Feedback and comments would be greatly appreciated <3 follow me on tumblr at romanticphantasies


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